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What is marriage?

Kevin Shitsukane

Having walked these corridors coining several nuggets here and there, I am thankful to welcome Kevin Shitsukane as our guest contributor. Kevin comes with a wealth of knowledge on life, relationships, and Christian living. A resident and citizen of Nairobi, Kenya, a father, husband, minister of the Word, and dedicated insurance broker, he is here to grace us with knowledge overflowing. Please make welcome, Kevin Shitsukane……..

As a young man or woman, many will tell you this and that about marriage. Some swing to the extreme of either too good or too bad, depending on the background. However, many are in total oblivion of what this institution is or what it calls for.

Marriage is neither westernized nor africanized. Marriage is a Gift of God packaged as a generational Blessing.

Genesis 2:18 KJV — And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

It is a covenant between a mature man and a mature woman.

Marriage is not for Contract but for Destiny. That is why it is a Covenant relationship. Covenant relationship is mutual desire and drive to both give and receive for healthy growth.

Marriage is a Mystery, where you entrust your life and privacy to a stranger. Being ready to drop the name of your father and bear the name of your partner.

Ephesians 5:31 KJV For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

Ephesians 5:32 KJV This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

You do not need a perfect marriage; you need a great marriage. There will be challenges in Marriage, but the fact that another’s marriage is not enjoyable does not qualify a judgment across-the-board that all marriages are bad.

Always remember, a headache is peculiar to the carrier. Make your own work and healthy through knowledge.

1 Peter 3:7 KJV Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

A marriage certificate at a wedding is simply a letter of invitation saying, “Welcome to Hard work.” No good marriage is picked on the streets. Every good Marriage has been tirelessly laboured upon.

That said, it is imperative to appreciate that men Think Deep but very slowly… Women think faster.

It was discovered that on the 29th week of a zygote who is boy in the womb, ‘something wipes his right hemisphere’. However, nothing happens for the girl child zygote. In scientific terms, male brains have more connections within each hemisphere, while female brains are more interconnected between  hemispheres (University of Pennsylvania). That is why females can multitask because they use both hemispheres.

Psychology will tell you that a man will MAXIMALLY speak 25,000 words in a day WHILE a Woman says a MINIMUM of 250,000words.

While these differences are the causes of several marriage headaches, it is they that spice it up when well appreciated.

What is marriage to you?

If it is a prison pit, you have the power to work it out.

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Spotlight on Mental Health with Molly Esther

The Unveil

This one is undoubtedly one of my favorite human beings. She is a multifaceted young promising lady that I adore and respect. I admire her sense of style, her love for her people and the fiery determination to push through difficulty and of course her will to achieve that is always punctuated with the numerous brilliant ideas she comes up with.

Her varied interests and passions are what make her such a fascinating person! I’ve had the privilege of watching her pursue her passions and her journey is one to watch!

She is my blood sister. And she is gracing out series today! Come on here, and let’s get to know about my baby sister, friend and hey, the vice president of my fan club!

Don’t forget to show her some love on the comments section before you leave.

Love,
Jael K.

How are you truly?

I am peaceful, happy…

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#Marriage

One woman is enough

One woman is all you need

Believing that my memory serves me right, I have seen a meme of the beauty of having more than one wife. From my point of view, having to share my husband with another woman is sacrilegious. I would not have it. In fact, several years back, two years into marriage, that almost threw a curve ball in our marriage. Thankfully, he sorted himself out.

One thing I have come to appreciate is that managing two women is not easy because women love quality time. Who are you going to starve at the expense of another? That is the start of chaos in your home. By the way, you will age because of that stress. Ask father Abraham, he will narrate.

The other thing is that having one woman, inspite of being the head of the house is discipline. Keeping a tight rope is no joke and those that have done it have mastered a high level of discipline. See, being disciplined is not for anyone but yourself because when you restrain you, you will have peace at night.

Imagine laying your head down and the thoughts literally cause you to jolt because you are wondering what will happen if your wife finds out about the side chic, or how you must look for school fees for the other children yet one source of income has trickled dry. Mehhnnnn, that is a lot of work that could drive you to your grave prematurely.

That is not to say that staying chaste is a walk in the park. However, when you think of the cost such as the chaos of dealing with different homes, cutting corners, dealing with angry women, but most importantly the spiritual weight of infidelity, you want to stay put.

Well, there is a choice to be made, what will yours be?

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It is not a boy/girl thing

Marriage is an amazing institution, one that is not supervised by any one in particular yet the whole world is and assessing you. In essence, it is not for boys or girls, in essence, age is not the issue here as many want to make it seem because one can be 50 yet still think like a 10 year old. And this issue is why many marriages fail.

When you decide to get married, you must decide to graduate to maturity. It is a decision no one can or will ever make for you. As such, there are some things you ought to do for the sake of your marriage.

Choose to prioritise your marriage: When you make the choice to get married or marry, putting your marriage first is none negotiable. That means all other things come after, even your leadership role at church or anywhere else for that matter.

Learn to be selfless: Marriage is not for selfish or self centered people. If you still want to think about yourself only, never thinking about what your decisions will do to your partner, then it is better to stay single.

Be ready to communicate: Many writers, authors and speakers have shared about the importance of communication in marriage or any relationship for that matter. Its importance cannot be underestimated. You must learn how to speak when you are hurt yet also be ready to listen when your spouse is speaking. It is about creating an atmosphere where there is freedom to speak about everything and anything. Be civilised enough to hold a civilised conversation even when the situation is tense so that without bickering, you reach a conclusion.

Sleep at home: When married, you sleep at home rather than sleeping around. You cannot be sleeping at your parents’ home today and then at your friends’ place the next day for no apparent reason.

Marriage, is indeed, a thing of the mature. Therefore, choose to grow up and save your marriage for those already there. In case you are hoping to get in, take time to mature up.

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Is he ready?

He needs to be groomed into his role.

Marriage is the only institution where you get a certificate before finishing the course. In that thread, often times, he is not ready for her but she is for him. It is a tough scenario and owing to that, we are faced with a marriage pandemic. Usually, the girl child is prepared for marriage; taught how to cook, reminded that she’ll one day take care of her own children. She is trained on how to take care of her home, that the man has to be respected and the like. On the flip side, the only thing men are told, summarily, is that they are going into marriage to be king and will be served by their wife.

Unfortunately, being a husband is never about being a boss but a serious call to leadership. So here is this young lady who has been polished for the marriage institution; reading books, and attending seminars on marriage getting married to a young man with the belief that he will lead her. Sadly, leadership is not in his vein, he lacks a clear vision; if he even has a sketch at all, cannot protect her and marriage is no where in his priorities.

He will definitely, fail her and the sad bit is that this lady could start blaming herself for the failures in marriage. Can we prepare our boys for the journey ahead as well? It takes two to make a meaningful marriage.

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Increasing the value of your spouse

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It is often said that once a man gets his wife, the pursuit is done; he is off to the next adventure. On the other hand, the woman is a nurturer but it is only a matter of time before she throws in the towel because she cannot give what she does not receive.

It thus of essence that we learn to increase the value of one another, in marriage.

1. Think value: It all starts in the mind for the Bible says in Prov 23:7: “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”. When you look at your spouse, what comes to mind? We will disregard what there is at the moment and focus on either changing that image for better or improving it. It is imperative that we think value because whether we like it or not, your spouse is valuable. Granted, things might have changed in the past years but with some patience, we can mine up the lost gems.

Acting values also looks at the time you accord your spouse. Are you the kind that wants them to rush through what they are saying because you have important things to do? You might want to change that because when all those things are done, it is this person you will come back to. It will be sad if they also got other things to do.

Even the way you touch them says a lot about how you value them. A hug, a peck, a pat at the back are all beautiful ways to touch your spouse. No, we do not entertain slaps or beatings; that form of touch is a no no.

Acknowledging what your spouse does is another act of value. Appreciating the way they are dressed, the food they cooked and any milestone in their life shows that you are watching and care enough to celebrate them or even give them the push they need. Marriage is sweeter when we know that our spouse’s thoughts towards are those that portray how valuable we are to them.

2. Speak value: There is immense power in words because, with words we create.

Proverbs 15: 1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but hard words stir up anger.”

Proverbs 15:4 “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”

Are your words devaluing or adding value to your marriage? Are they building up your spouse or tearing them to shreds? Tell them they are valuable, appreciate the work they have done. It is important to learn to ‘make noise’ about the good, even in public while talking about the disappointments in the secrecy of your bedroom. It is great that you blow the trumpet for your spouse because it is them that will have your baack when all are gone.

Act value: The saying goes, actions speak louder than words. Moreover, God has called us to be kind and considerate to our spouses. Make a choice to focus on their strengths rather than their weaknesses.

The short of it is this, “What does my partner need?” should be your daily goal. That calls for reverse thinking – “How can I serve my husband/wife?” We were never created to act on feelings but be intentional.

When valuing your spouse, practice leaving, practice cleaving and practice becoming because it’s more blessed to Give than receive.

God calls the man to Leave and begin something new ..a new family..new identity..a new name
lead with love
leave financially
leave mentally

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Pay attention to things that may destroy your marriage

Marriage is an institution that is sanctified for the husband with his wife to live together in harmony. It is for companionship and for the two people.
However, there are so many things in marriage that can destroy the relationship with our spouses.
Most of these may seem irrelevant so we tend to take them for granted. These are:

Unfaithfulness
There is nothing that hurts for one to know that his/her spouse is sleeping around with other men/women. When we are making marriage vows, we promise to be faithful to each other. But along the way, some become unsatisfied with what they have and end up defiling their marriage bed. Unfaithfulness causes a lot of challenges like mistrust, resentment, murder, suicide, separation, and worst divorce. Unfaithfulness may also interfere with one’s salvation and relationship with God. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Give honor to marriage and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge those who are immoral and those who commit adultery.”

Prioritising your career
It is good for all couples to advance in their career, but let this not come at the expense of your marriage. I see many wives who get better jobs and they stop respecting their husbands while others choose to go for further studies and pay less attention to their family matters. Ironically, they may be the sole providers and financial sustainers of the family but it is not reason to look down on your husband. It is unfortunate when there is an imbalance between career and family for it causes conflict.

Lack of intimacy
Some couples struggle to meet their spouses’ intimate needs. Oftentimes, during courtship, they were very close friends yet after marriage, love starts shrinking. There are several reasons for this such as bankruptcy emotionally, socially, spiritually yet no one meets one’s love language. Some find it hard to satisfy their spouses sexually, and this may lead to extramarital affairs. Maintain an intimate relationship with your spouse, you will lose nothing.

Prioritising children
The ultimate goal of marriage is to get children for they bring joy to marriage. It was not easy for Sarah to remain with Abraham without a child. In 1 Samuel 1:8, much as Elkanah convinced Hannah that he loved her so much, she was always grieved until Samuel was born (1Samuel 1:8). However, when one concentrates more on the children than their spouse, children become a stumbling block in marriage. Some mothers connive a lot with children against their fathers, which creates tension. If children became more important to you than your spouse, then the marriage is headed for disaster.

Conflict in roles
Some spouses cannot differentiate between being a husband or wife and a father or mother. I have interacted with a couple where a man provides everything and he thinks he is doing his best to show care and love to his wife and children. The wife acknowledges his providence but has a problem with his emotional absence. This man is doing well as a father and head of the family (provision), but he is failing as a husband.
A good husband should create quality time for his wife and likewise. She did not get married to money or children and she needs you, as her husband, to be close to her.
When one spouse fails to balance between the two roles, another is left to think he/she is no longer cared for.

Unresolved conflicts
Conflicts are inevitable in any marriage, in fact, when well handled, they cement our relationship. When they arise, they should be solved immediately lest they accumulate and create a cold environment that ends up crippling the relationship. When both partners fail to resolve an issue, they should involve a third party like a counselor or pastor because nothing is too hard to be solved. If you don’t share out that conflict with your spouse to seek a solution, chances are that along the way, you will hate your marriage.

Finances
Men are supposed to be providers of their spouse and families. When they fail to do their part, it is like they have lost their value in that marriage; they lose their esteem and become withdrawn. On the other hand, when one spouse has either a lot and develops pride or misuses it, it doesn’t help to meet family needs, tension may arise.

Other factors include poor communication, siblings/in-laws, long distance marriages, personal characters, mismatching interests/goals, putting less value in your partner among others.

Couples ought to sit down and talk about everything that may be slowly but steadily killing their marriage. Make a personal reflection on who is in wrong and how you can fight for your marriage before it dies.

I know that God who started this marriage will keep it until death sets you apart. Let your marriage live, enjoy it to its fullness as God is your author and finisher of your faith in this journey (Hebrews 12:2). Know that each day is a day of growth in marriage.

The writer, Dickson Tumuramye, is a child advocate, parenting coach, and marriage counselor.

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email: tumudickson@gmail.com


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What is your standard?

A lasting marriage goes beyond the wedding.

Listening to Ps Beatrice Byemanzi (Bee3) talk about relationships, I was amazed. See she highlights why several church girls find the church boys boring. “The boys in the world are on a market. They have been trained about which cologne to wear, how to splash gifts here and there. Subsequently, they can date five girls at a go. However, the church boy is not your movie boy; not on the market trying to please girls. They are following God, praying for a spouse, thus might look slow, and not fly. And while they need to be taught, girls need to learn that the Word says, “He who finds…..””

She thus says if the girls are complicated, yet this man is not about people-pleasing or scoring cards, they will easily get scared. “See they have heard the girls speak, demeaning the boys around them and this boy will run for dear life with the fear that this girl could kill her should he try to marry her.”

The issue is that many girls today are very complicated brides looking for more than what their budgets can handle. At times, the decisions of a big wedding are borne out of fear because of what you saw in their father (he failed to provide), so this girl thinks they must find a man with a Range Rover, a mansion, and the like. “Darling, these things disappear as well. We have seen it happen.

Summarily, do not admire married people without understanding where they have come from. The two have worked on one another, seeing substance and value beyond what the eye could see. The onus is on you to get someone whose heart is after God and walk together. With God at the centre of it all, the rest will be added to yoou.

#Marriage

A little about the blog..

It is still possible to get the marriage of your dreams

It is amazing to learn more about how I can uplift, please, and compliment my spouse. While it would be of no harm to keep it to myself, I thought it better to share what I have learned over the last 10 years with you. God has continues to be gracious to me and my husband that we can walk this journey that is filled with ups and downs and draw lessons.

Come and join me how to make our marriages flourish in an era where marriage is under attack. How do we have fun in our marriages yet still align with God’s will for us? How do we raise the next generation of Godly marriages? How do we become role models to our children? That and much more will feature on these paages.

Join me for the buffet whether you are married, engaged, single as well as those on the fence.